SELF-DEFENCE CLASSES

In the village of Farrowly

Anyone can be a criminal. Anyone can be a victim. I can teach you how to turn any criminal into your victim!

Have you ever been attacked? I have. It wasn't fun. After it happened, I was left feeling many things: scared, angry, helpless, hung-over and no longer welcome in my local pub. It doesn't matter who started what, I had these feelings because I didn't know that a bouncer could react that fast, and I was not ready to defend myself when he did. I was not prepared. But now I am, and I can teach you to be ready to defend yourself too.

Learn with me, 'Dangerous Ray', and you'll no longer feel afraid when a bully intimidates you, a mugger threatens you, or a policeman tells you to settle down.

After weeks of dedicated practice, I have created my own fighting style and am now the "expert" * that you are looking for to help you become the best self-defencer you can be.

I honed my amazing skills whilst attending the free introductory sessions at no less than two different judo schools. This, along with the many moves I've copied from some Chuck Norris films and an episode of Power Rangers, has given me an unsurpassable array of combat skills that even the police have shown interest in adopting (by asking me such questions as "what do you think you are doing?").

I've invented many distinguished cool moves including 'The Dice Hammer', 'Pelican Death', 'Unlucky Sandwich' and 'Neil's Anguish', each with their own subtle variations on the traditional punch in the face.

My cool moves are guaranteed to work. I can provide a testimonial from my own mother if required.

When you learn to defend yourself the 'Dangerous Ray' way, then your confidence will rocket. Once you have muggers running scared then you will develop the self-belief needed to tackle others that have let you down; ex-bosses, bank managers, Mr. Witkins at the news agents, etc. The correct frame of mind is crucial. Nine out of ten people I approached in the park said that they were afraid of me just by the way I'd been staring at them. These children could easily grow up to be criminals and I can teach you to intimidate them just like I did.

A Money-back guarantee if you do get mugged and your wallet is stolen (obviously you won't get the money back that was in your wallet, I'm not guaranteeing that).

* My definition of a self-defence "expert" may not be conventional, or legal, but neither is my fighting style. And let's face it, how many criminals conform to the law? I know of only one. So what if the police think that I am a liability? As long as the criminals do too then I'm doing my job (my actual job is 'unemployed electrician', but I enjoy the same reputation there as well).

So why not come along to the introductory session where a free-for-all will sort the weak from the worthy.

Classes are every Thursday at 11:30pm in the car park behind 'Chris's Carpet Carnival', and usually run for either an hour, or until the police break things up.